Are you my Mommy?

Are you my Mommy?
Are you my Mommy?

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Mostly a SAHM

I blogged for a long time telepathically...didn't you just love the one I did about how to live through a bad day where the only thing you desire most is a shower by yourself...before I actually began blogging.  In those days I liked to daydream (btw, this was before Mr. B was verbal so daydreaming was a wonderful joy unmatched by Calgon).  I would dream about silly things like imagining my little bundle snuggled in my arms as a superhero (the power to snuggle into any shoulder and make the bearer of said shoulder become very are getting sleepy very sleepy...oh wait that's me).  Or I would dream about real delusions like "hmmm, if I ever do blog what will I call myself?"  I know, it's very junior high to spend more time contemplating a title than content...Did I mention I was even more sleep deprived then?  I toyed with the name the Mostly Everything Mother, such as Mostly SAHM, Mostly vegetarian, Mostly homemade, Mostly green, Mostly unplugged, Mostly unprocessed, Mostly rested.  You get the pattern right?  I realized after stewing (a long term habit) that all those adjectives were not my purpose as a blogger.  I started wearing the blogger hat to give thoughts, ideas, and courage to others as I forged my journey as a mother wanting to create what I see as the best for my family.  So the real story is within the compromises that I make on a daily basis because you can not have it all.  Please refer to my self description of my efforts to do everything and my poor kitchen floor (dark brown was probably not the best choice for a clutzy baker).  Also, Mostly began to sound very negative to me and I do not feel negative about this journey and the title of mostly sounds like I am failing.

Well, today is another story.  I am feeling a little negative, not a crying day, but a heavy heart day.  I love staying home with my son.  Even on a bad day, it is the best thing I have ever done and it doesn't matter what we do all day; playing at the park or cleaning the house.  From the beginning, the plan was that I would work a little bit for so many reasons that I could write a novel (that no one would buy).  Today is not that day. Right now, I am working much more than usual, so I am a Mostly missing my son all the time Mother. This awareness, this sadness absorbs me right now.  There are,  of course, compromises involved (that is my thing right).  Not blogging as frequently, my house is not a pretty sight, there are raisins and slivered almonds all over the floor (that happened on D's turn to be mommy today), sleep is hard to get as my thoughts do not quiet easily, and Mr. B misses me, but worst of all he does not miss me as much as I wish.  I worked full-time from 3-6 months of his life and oh did he miss me then.  I can still feel him nuzzled and cuddled with me all evening on the couch until bedtime.  Now he is a toddler running around seeking independence and the next shiny object to stop and say oooo, oooo too.

The Compromise:  I miss Mr.B...enuf said.

The Sweet Reward:  .....Mr. B has a strong bond with family who helps care for him and well.....I will get back to you, but for now I think I will get a few quality minutes with husband, D.  He did clean up the almond raisin snack mess on the floor just now without a word from me.  In my house that spells love.

1 comment:

  1. I hear you on this one. I'm currently looking for a balance between staying at home full time (which I did for the first 3 months) and working full time (past 2 1/2 months). I think something in the middle would be good for me, but I feel like there aren't a lot of good options. Hope things get better for you soon. Hugs!